Five Ways To Survive A Heatwave

The temperature is rising, barometer’s getting low. According to our sources, this means you’re in for a horrible, sticky day of high humidity and a desperate need to spontaneously grow gills just to continue breathing.

Growing gills will also mean you could live the rest of your life in a swimming pool, so that could work too.

It’s a British summer and it’s awful, so here are some much-needed tips on what you can do to survive this horrible, horrible heatwave.

5. Surround Yourself With Fans

This is the entry-level, bargain basement of how to survive a heat wave. Your friends and co-workers will no doubt try to get by with a desk fan and opening a window but such trivialities are not for you. You’re a survivor, you’re here to make sure you survive.

For this option to work, you’re going to need lots of fans. You need cold air coming at you non-stop from all sides. You can’t rely on the fickle nature of a desk fan, it might not be blowing in precisely the right direction to ensure you stay cool. That’s why you need an army of fans.

Cover yourself from every direction. Become the King of All Fans. It’s the only way to ensure you’ll make it out of this blasted summertime hell.

4. Carve A Suit Made of Ice

If you’re going to get through the day in a humid British summer, you’re going to need to dress for the occasion. This one needs a few craft skills; a friend who’s good with ice sculptures; or, failing those, the ability to resign yourself to a future full of icy cuts and scrapes.

You’re also going to need a lot of ice to make this work but we know you, you’re a hip and active young thing who knows what’s what. That’s why we know you can get your hands of enough ice to cover yourself over. Once you’ve got all that ice, you’ll need to fashion it into a vaguely suit-like shape. Think of it like a Minecraft project, only with a more slippery material that can give you frostbite.

Then, when your suit of frozen water is built, take to it with a chisel or a strong knife and chip it into a dapper suit that you can wear to the office. You’ll never have looked more cool in your life.

3. Consider Emigrating To The Arctic

We’ve heard all kinds of bad things about the Arctic. It’s full of ravenous polar bears. There are surprisingly few penguins (they’re all in the Antarctic, because even penguins know the safest place to be is the opposite side of the planet to the polar bears). It’s melting at an alarming rate. It’s also cold. Really, really cold.

Sounds perfect for surviving the British heat wave. Now we here at All Over The House don’t usually recommend running away from your problems but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do – and let’s face it, the Sun is being a real dick right now so quite frankly, we don’t blame you.

Best get your skates on, though; it gets slippery out in the ice. Also, pack a lunch when you head out because we hear it’s a long walk to get to the North Pole.

2. Dig A Huge Pit And Live In It

If there’s one thing we know about being underground, it’s that the temperate is different to the temperature on the surface. We aren’t “Earth Scientists” or, you know, “qualified to talk about this stuff” but we have been on the Internet for quite a while so we can say for certain that if you dig a big pit in your garden, you can live in it for quite a while before people will call you strange and then call the police on you.

You don’t even need a spade to escape the awful heat wave with this technique, either. Take a look at the adventures of Mr. Heang; he built his own underground house with a swimming pool and it only took him sixteen minutes!

What do you mean, “that’s edited down”? We don’t understand videos. Are you telling us we’re not seeing something live, as it’s happening? That sounds like magic! This news is strange and scary to us.

1. Begin A New Life Under The Sea

Okay, this is it. This is the one. If you’ve got this far, you know the only real way to escape the heat and humidity is to hide under water. Water can absorb a massive amount of heat before it all boils away and destroys the Earth, so we can use that incredible natural ability to our advantage.

For this escape method, you’re going to need a really long pipe, because humans aren’t able to live underwater without bringing along their own air supply. Since the usual method of strapping some air in a tank to your back would mean having to come back up to the surface for resupply, which means risking time in the heat again, we are going to forego all of that and just breathe through a hose.

You’re probably also going to want to bring along a dome of some kind, to live in. If you do this, you can strap the air pipe to the dome and move around freely in your underwater house because it will fill with air. Maybe bring a second pipe as well though, because you’ll want to venture out from the dome sometimes, probably to get some food or use the bathroom. Nobody wants to go to the bathroom in their dome, after all. It would fill up too quickly and then we’ll be back to square one!

It’s the perfect method for escaping the heat. See you under the sea!

Zoë Kirk-Robinson is a cartoonist and comedian who writes every day because she thinks it keeps her sane. Her latest book, All Over the House: Book Three, is out now.

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